WALLFLOWER

I always wanted to be a wallflower, just to blend in.  Can’t say that really has ever happened.  I stand out, but sure wish I didn’t.  I even tried moving to a city with millions of people, but people still noticed me.  It’s not because I’m exceptionally beautiful.  I’m odd and awkward, especially in social situations.  I prefer to be by myself, with my face in a book or working with numbers.  I really don’t understand people that well, even those with similar backgrounds.  After finding out the hard way, I’m woefully not a big city girl, I moved back to my small town.  It’s a community where I don’t fit in, look wise, anyway.  I’m not tall, blond, or have blue eyes, my nationality is not Dutch.  Years after I moved back to my small town, I started attending a large church, thinking I certainly could blend in there.  While going through an extremely difficult time, God called me out of the large church and had some friends invite me to a start-up campus of that same church.  I knew the first time I attended that was where I was meant to me.  However, I would be not able to fade away.  I would be needed and called out of my wannabe wallflower shell.  A funny thing happened earlier this year; I was nominated for the Lakeshore Area Athena Award, not a small feat.  Shocked and dismayed, I humbly filled out the form and accepted my nomination.  15 other women were nominated for the award.  At the gathering of nominees and nominators, I realized how completely inadequate I was to even be nominated.  The award ceremony was today.  No, I didn’t win, nor did I expect to.  I have to say, I was relieved I didn’t.  I never know what to say in social situations, I stammer and struggle and want to chew my fingernails (and possibly my fingers) completely off or I talk a million words a minute and make no sense.  Woe to everyone who attended the ceremony had I won.  My impromptu speech would have been epic.  Anyone who has seen me nervous knows how painful it can be just to watch me fight to survive the moment.  Congratulations to Patricia VerDuin, by the way, for winning the Athena Award.  She deserved it.  Any of the others did.  We all ranged in age, height, weight, ethnicity, professional background.  What we do have in common is the desire to encourage other women to reach their potential.  Last night, I was faced with what some might consider a failure in mentoring a young woman (my first attempt at mentoring).  Let’s just say, it did not go well.  She came to the Bible study I coordinate.  I have not seen her in maybe a year.  What I thought was disastrous then had reached a new low.  She and I spent some time talking and praying.  My only hope is that maybe she will (finally) see that all I want for her is God’s best.  So, as I’m sitting at the award ceremony this afternoon, contemplating my being nominated in the first place, God had me realize that He has set me apart.  He has made me different.  I praise Him that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).  I don’t need to struggle in those situations because I have Him.  He will enable me.  I can do nothing apart from Him (John 15:5), which is something I prove out every day.  He revealed to my heart today that He has indeed made everything beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).  God, through this award nomination, just wanted others to see Him, to see the beauty He gives when we serve our families, churches, communities with the love He instills in us through His Son.  It was truly an honor and privilege to be nominated.  I was (and still am) humbled by the whole experience.  More than anything in my life, I want to please God; I want to know Him more, and want Him to be proud of me.  I really felt Him smiling on me, rallying for me, even as I couldn’t hold a conversation about the weather and stuttered that I didn’t want more coffee.  I thanked God for the opportunity.  There are many more women qualified who should have been nominated instead of me.  Through prayer God caused me to realize that the young woman who nominated me sees something in me that’s different, that’s nice; something she aspires for or to be in her own life.  I am honored to be her friend.  To me, a former pit dweller who needed a bigger than life itself Savior, that is nothing short of miraculous.  God has done an amazing work in my life.  I’m so very grateful.  Yesterday, I felt like a failure.  Today, God said “No, you are not.  You are my own sweet daughter.”  I’m walking along side another woman, setting a godly example, and didn’t even realize it.  Father God, forgive me for not even seeing that.  Some scales fell off my eyes (Acts 9:18).  God has given me an incredible responsibility.  I will be the first to tell you, I’m horribly unqualified and have no idea why, God would use me for anything so important, save for I’m a live redeemed.  Jesus paid my ransom and set me free.  I am free indeed (John 8:36)!!!  God loves me!!!  Jesus loves me!!!  He gave His Spirit to live in me!!!  All of this shocks me and leaves me awestruck.  He found value in me.  He found me worth dying for.  While part of me still wants to blend in, it’s really quite amazing to be set apart and noticed by the Creator of heaven, earth, all peoples, places, animals, things.  At the end of this day and all the others yet to come, I get to say, I belong to God, which is way better than just blending in.  I am my Beloved’s and my Beloved is mine (Song of Solomon 6:3).  This, my loves, is God’s amazing grace.  Thank you all for being my family.  J

String Cheese - A Not So Random Act Of Kindness

On Thursday, March 15, 2012, my friend Pam had a make-over party to help a friend of hers who is getting her Mary Kay business started.  I, personally, love a make-over.  I was definitely all in.  Just as we were getting started, my lovely Nicki  friend sent me a text asking if I could pick her up and take her to the store or a gas station for some Sierra Mist and string cheese.  She had a migraine and didn’t think she was safe to drive even under a mile.  Oh no!!!  I texted her back and let her know I was busy and sorry I couldn’t be of help at that moment.  After the make-overs were done, orders placed, and a little chat time, I left Pam’s house.  It was around 8 pm.  God placed on my heart to pick up the soda and cheese and drop them off with Nicki.  I needed gas anyway and didn’t seem an unreasonable request as I was maybe three miles away from Nicki.  I had my choice of five (yes five) gas stations between Pam and Nicki.  For whatever reason God had, it seemed I should stop at Speedway.  I almost pulled into the one on River where 136^th and Butternut meet.  Something stopped me and I went to the Speedway on James and Butternut.  I filled up my tank, went into the station, grabbed a two liter of Sierra Mist and set about looking for string cheese.  They did have cheese, but it was a block of cheddar; nothing in the string variety.  I went to the register.  The sweet woman who rang up my sale said to me, “Honey, you looked a little lost, like you were wandering a little much.  Did you not find what you were looking for?”  “No,” I replied.  “I was looking for string cheese for my friend, but you don’t have any.  That’s fine.  I don’t imagine all gas stations sell string cheese.”  “String cheese?”  “Yes, string cheese.  My friend has a migraine and asked if I could get her some soda and cheese.  I don’t know if it’s for her or her kids, but I think for her.  Seems a strange request, but if cheese helps, I’ll find the cheese.”  The sales lady seemed more than a little perplexed.  I paid and was turning to walk away, when she touched my arm.  “Hang on a second.  I might have something for your friend.”  She went into the back of the station.  I figured maybe Speedway had a shipment that day and the string cheese just wasn’t out yet.  She came back and hands me three packages of string cheese.  “If your friend needs it, she may have mine.  I bought a bunch of it when I went shopping the other day.  I don’t even like it that much and don’t know why I bought it.  I brought these as part of my lunch thinking I might as well eat it since I bought it.  I just don’t get it.”  With huge tears in my eyes, I accepted the gift, took her hands and said, “May God bless you for this, for your willingness to give not only to someone you don’t know but to someone twice removed.  You bought it for such as time as this (Esther 4:14). I pray God will bless you abundantly for this.”  “Let me know if it helps your friend.  Now I’m curious why she needs cheese for a migraine.”  “I will let you know for sure.”  I left the gas station and dropped the stuff with Nicki.  She and I both cried and praised God for this.  You see, string cheese is the only food that Nicki doesn’t throw up when she has a migraine.  When I got home, I said to the Lord, “I never thought I’d be praising You for string cheese, but here I am, Lord, praising You all the same.  May You bless the angel You placed at Speedway, 10,000 fold what she sowed today in cheese.”  The cheese was a totally divine set up.  The Mary Kay party was supposed to be two weeks before, but due to illness and a couple of other conflicts, Pam rescheduled the party for Thursday.  I just so happened to need gas and didn’t get it in the morning, like I usually do.  God set us all up just to intervene and bless Nicki at a time when she needed it.  According to 2^nd Peter 1:3 “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”  Only God knew “everything we need” included string cheese.  Praise the Lord, oh my soul!!!

Kony 2012 - Are Your Feet Beautiful?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc&feature=colike

I don't know what to say after watching the Kony 2012 video.  I'm awfully glad the Holy Spirit will pray on my behalf.  All the sudden my problems and worries seem pretty small and unimportant.  I'm outraged for many reasons.  One because Kony uses the Lord's name in his army.  He certainly is not operating on the Lord's behalf.  Also because none of this gets in the media.  I'm praising God for raising up individuals like these who champion on behalf of those who have no voice, who are invisible.  Watching the video also dropped me to my knees.  I have a friend who started & is working with organizations to stop human trafficking.  Not enough is said about that issue either.  Her Facebook page is We Stop Traffic.  So all this leads to what can I in Zeeland, MI do?  Donate, pray, spread the message.  We are called to give the voiceless a voice, to let them be heard.  The invisible among us and around the world are the least of these.  We can make a difference.  We can show them the true hope Jesus gives.  "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  Jeremiah 29:11  The plans God has for these invisible children does not include abduction, rape, slavery, murder, etc.  God is rallying us to do something, to work to set them free from this torture and bondage.  Even if you don't believe in the message or the organization behind the Kony 2012 message, do some research and find an organization you can get behind.  Whatever you do, don't be complacent.  "How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion 'Your God reigns!'"  Isaiah 52:7

Valentine's Day 2012

What a day!  I can’t believe how blessed I am.  My brain is having a hard time wrapping around this one.  I will cherish it and hold it in my heart forever.  I never really cared for Valentine’s Day.  It seemed to me to be just a depressing day to celebrate the kind of love I didn't have.  Would I ever have it?  When God told me He was going to restore my fortunes starting with laughter and love, in my wildest imagination, I couldn’t have come up with this one.  I started dating a wonderful man 11 months ago.  This year has flown by.  It’s been the best year of my life.  God has shown me through Von how love is supposed to be.  He does make me laugh and goes out of his way to make me smile.  He adds so much joy to my life.  I can’t stand being away from him.  Every second we are together is just great.  I was worried about guarding my heart when we started dating, but God told me not to.  After two dates and tons of text messages, I fell totally in love with him.  Von was and still is completely worth the risk of being hurt.  I know I have given him the power to shatter me.  I want him to have it.  Several things I know:  (1) should that happen, God will heal me (He’s an expert at putting my pieces together); (2) should that happen, he will be the one I won’t get over (I can’t imagine my life without him); and (c)  Von isn’t going to shatter me.  He doesn’t want to.  God has now redeemed and restored this day.  Von stopped by my work today to drop off cupcakes, cookies, and a flower arrangement in a fuchsia vase (perfect).  Not only are the gifts beautiful, but delicious.  It was pretty hard to concentrate the rest of the day.  All I wanted to do was run to him.  But it’s not about gifts, how much money gets spent, where we go, what we do, it’s about being together and lifting each other up, being an encouragement to each other, and loving each other well.  After years of not feeling like I was even worth such thoughtful gifts, today I know I am loved and valued.  It’s amazing.  God is amazing.  With all that said, I am speechless.

1^st Corinthians 13:4-8a   “Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”

Love Storms - Part Two

“Although you have been forsaken and hated, with no one traveling through, I will make you the everlasting pride and the joy of all generations.  You will drink the milk of nations and be nursed at royal breasts.  Then you will know that I, the Lord, am your Savior, your Redeemer,  the Mighty One of Jacob.  Instead of bronze I will bring you gold, and silver in place of iron.  Instead of wood I will bring you bronze, and iron in place of stones.  I will make peace your governor and righteousness your ruler.  No longer will violence be heard in your land, nor ruin or destruction within your borders, but you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise.  The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.  Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.”                      Isaiah 60:15-20

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.  They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.  Aliens will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.  And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God.  You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast.  Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.”   Isaiah 61:1-7

Love stormed my way a second time in the form of a baby boy two years later.  This time I was too selfish to even consider giving this love away.  I couldn’t do it again.  I somehow felt like he was my only shot.  All I wanted when I was a little girl was to be married and have a lot of kids.  Six, if memory serves.  I had a lot of problems carrying this baby.  After premature labor at 30 some weeks, a week in the hospital, and a month of bed rest, he was born three weeks early.  The fact that I was able to carry for that long was a miracle.  He should have been born at least six weeks earlier.  Still he was born with the cord wrapped around his neck.  It took a few seconds, which seemed like minutes, for him to start breathing.  He was purple and I wasn’t allowed to hold him.  Literally one of the nurses said to me, “here’s your baby”, showed him to me and all but ran out of the delivery room.  I had to wait to touch my son.  I remember my doctor coming into my room and going over all the things that could be wrong with him because of the early delivery and the lack of oxygen at birth.  He gave me a “list” of what to look for as far as mental problems were concerned.  At this point I still was not living for God, yet He performed miracle after miracle for this baby boy without me praying for it.  At 17 years old, my son is perfectly normal.  He never had any learning disabilities or developmental problems.  He doesn’t like homework and is not nerdy like me.  He’ll graduate high school this year, a child who should have been mentally impaired in some way.  God held my baby boy and healed him before any doctor could tell me the list of potential problems.  I know I have not been a great mom.  I know my son deserved a better life than I have been able to give or provide, but he loves me anyway.  I have failed him in so many ways, but he forgives me.  God used this baby to waken in me my need for a Savior.  This child made me realize I needed God in my life.  After many sleepless nights, I asked Jesus to be a part of my life and the life of my baby.  It was still going to be hard being a single mom, but I knew we would be okay.

Love Wins

A friend of mine posted on Facebook that he saw a bumper sticker that said “Love Wins”.  He said he did not know what that meant but he beat that car through the intersection.  Good post.  His post set off a bit of a firestorm about Rob Bell & his book by the same name.  I think the bumper sticker has been around longer than Bell’s book.  I have read this book.  I liked it.  I didn't quite understand what the issue was.  Bell merely explained Scripture that references hell.  I found “Love Wins” helpful.  I have read Bell’s other books as well.  What struck me as odd is that the topic of heaven & hell Bell also discussed in “Velvet Elvis”, which was a critically acclaimed book.  So how was it acceptable to agree with Bell in one book, but blast him in another that expanded on the first.  Please note that I have not heard Bell preach or been in his former church.  I have only read his books & seen a few of his NOOMA films.  My opinion is based solely on those.  However, my opinion on Bell’s books is not my point.  Who am I to judge Rob Bell in the first place?  Who am I to judge anyone really?  Jesus, himself, said, “If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”  John 8:7b  Jesus also told us “Do not judge, and you will not be judged.  Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.  Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”  Luke 6:37  What does all this mean?  No matter what I think of Rob Bell or anyone else, I must drop my stones.  I don’t have a clue who will go to heaven.  We should all thank God that I don’t get to decide.  Yes, it is very difficult to forgive & not judge.  One of my best friends sent me another Facebook post regarding what a politician said about rape & pregnancy.  Let me just say that it’s especially hard to drop all my stones not only for the politician, but all the people who posted comments on that post. (see Love Storms Part 1)  My coworkers will also tell you I have my moments where I’m judgmental.  God have mercy on me.  I confess I love judging others, but it’s not my place.  For that, I repent.  I want God’s mercy & compassion, but I must also extend it to get it back.  So I sit at my laptop, attempting to empty my pockets of all the stones, gravel, pieces of sand & grit which I will use to hurl at someone.  I pray that God will forgive me.  He wants me to show His love to others, to be His light in this dark & broken world.  In my humble opinion, Rob Bell is right.  Love does win.  God’s love is unfailing, unending, & eternal.  I have no idea how big God’s grace & mercy are.  Someday I’ll get to find out.  I pray you will get to find out as well.  I have a feeling that once we get to heaven, we won’t care who’s there.  We just might rejoice when we see a face or two.  To my friend who was trying to be funny….it worked.  I laughed.

Love Storms - Part One

“Although you have been forsaken and hated, with no one traveling through, I will make you the everlasting pride and the joy of all generations.  You will drink the milk of nations and be nursed at royal breasts.  Then you will know that I, the Lord, am your Savior, your Redeemer,  the Mighty One of Jacob.  Instead of bronze I will bring you gold, and silver in place of iron.  Instead of wood I will bring you bronze, and iron in place of stones.  I will make peace your governor and righteousness your ruler.  No longer will violence be heard in your land, nor ruin or destruction within your borders, but you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise.  The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.  Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.”                      Isaiah 60:15-20

Love came storming in at times when I didn’t expect it and certainly didn’t deserve it.  I think about it, about lessons learned, what it means to love, to really receive love.  I wasn’t open to even the thought, once upon a time.  God transformed my heart.  Oh to be full of love.  What does that mean?  What does that look like?  An outpouring of love, love so strong it pulls others to it.  True love means giving it away knowing it’s not coming back.  It’s hard.  It hurts.  It breaks.  It sometimes flows out leaving me empty.  But by going back to the Source of true love, I’m healed and binded up.  Through the Source of strength, I’m ready to do it all again.  God’s love and peace really are like a river flowing from heaven but only going through us so the thirst of another can be quenched.  It’s amazing.  It’s stunning.  God’s love leaves me speechless and humbled.  That He pours out on me and through me has me convinced God is a little crazy, which is fine with me.  I don’t want to serve a God whose not.  He sure makes life interesting.  

The first time love stormed through my life came at 20 years old, just shy of my 21^st birthday.  Love came in the form of a baby girl.  A baby I knew I couldn’t keep.  Before this, yes, I was loved, but I didn’t recognize it.  Just after my 20^th birthday I was raped.  It was definitely an earth shattering, soul stealing experience.  While I wasn’t living a very good life, not living for God, I sure didn’t expect love to come from such a horrific experience.  I tried not to bond with the baby while pregnant, knowing the child wasn’t meant to be mine.  I didn’t expect to want to keep her, even though I did.  I didn’t want to love her knowing I wouldn’t get to hold her, comfort her in the small hours of the night.  I didn’t think I could be the mother she deserved.  What if she looked like him?  Could I bear it?  What if I had the nightmare?  Would I still be able to get up to feed her?  Would I want to?  Would I be able to care enough for her?  What if I had a bad day?  Would I take it out on her?  I couldn’t take the risk.  Looking back, I see how God had control the whole time.  He protected my mind during the rape.  He brought me to the right adoption agency and the right family.  He gave me great friends who loved and supported me.  He even made sure I had a funny dog (my roommate’s Doberman/lab mix) to watch out for me.  Boris was my companion during the long days.  He kept me company, slept with me, walked slowly when I took him out, and even put his paws on my belly.  I didn’t want to believe in God at that time, didn’t want to acknowledge His hand in my train wreck of a life, yet He took care of me.  I lied to myself for years, thinking, even saying a few times, that she was the most unselfish thing I had ever done.  I admitted for the first time a few months ago that really it was selfish.  I couldn’t face taking care of her.  I didn’t think I could love her enough.  I certainly didn’t love or believe in myself enough to think it was possible to raise her.  Truth is, holding her after she was born, knowing she wasn’t coming home with me, broke my heart in a way I never imagined.  I know I made the right decision even if it was for the wrong reasons.  I know she was never mine to hold on to.  This love was for the purpose of giving away.  Her purpose, at the time of her birth anyway, was to complete a family.  She was hope for a woman who had no other way.  She closed a hold in someone else’s heart even though there was an enormous one in mine.  Why God would use me as a vessel to carry love astounds me.  I stand hand and hand with St. Paul in that I am the worst of sinner (1^st Timothy 1:15).  All I am is a broken woman with tons of holes that needed to be filled.  I looked for love everywhere except for the Source of all love, the only Source there is.