I always wanted to be a
wallflower, just to blend in. Can’t say
that really has ever happened. I stand
out, but sure wish I didn’t. I even
tried moving to a city with millions of people, but people still noticed
me. It’s not because I’m exceptionally
beautiful. I’m odd and awkward,
especially in social situations. I prefer
to be by myself, with my face in a book or working with numbers. I really don’t understand people that well,
even those with similar backgrounds. After
finding out the hard way, I’m woefully not a big city girl, I moved back to my
small town. It’s a community where I don’t
fit in, look wise, anyway. I’m not tall,
blond, or have blue eyes, my nationality is not Dutch. Years after I moved back to my small town, I
started attending a large church, thinking I certainly could blend in
there. While going through an extremely
difficult time, God called me out of the large church and had some friends
invite me to a start-up campus of that same church. I knew the first time I attended that was
where I was meant to me. However, I
would be not able to fade away. I would
be needed and called out of my wannabe wallflower shell. A funny thing happened earlier this year; I
was nominated for the Lakeshore Area Athena Award, not a small feat. Shocked and dismayed, I humbly filled out the
form and accepted my nomination. 15
other women were nominated for the award.
At the gathering of nominees and nominators, I realized how completely
inadequate I was to even be nominated.
The award ceremony was today. No,
I didn’t win, nor did I expect to. I
have to say, I was relieved I didn’t. I
never know what to say in social situations, I stammer and struggle and want to
chew my fingernails (and possibly my fingers) completely off or I talk a
million words a minute and make no sense. Woe to everyone who attended the ceremony had
I won. My impromptu speech would have
been epic. Anyone who has seen me
nervous knows how painful it can be just to watch me fight to survive the
moment. Congratulations to Patricia VerDuin, by the way, for winning the Athena
Award. She deserved it. Any of the others did. We all ranged in age, height, weight,
ethnicity, professional background. What
we do have in common is the desire to encourage other women to reach their
potential. Last night, I was faced with
what some might consider a failure in mentoring a young woman (my first attempt
at mentoring). Let’s just say, it did
not go well. She came to the Bible study
I coordinate. I have not seen her in
maybe a year. What I thought was disastrous
then had reached a new low. She and I
spent some time talking and praying. My
only hope is that maybe she will (finally) see that all I want for her is God’s
best. So, as I’m sitting at the award
ceremony this afternoon, contemplating my being nominated in the first place,
God had me realize that He has set me apart.
He has made me different. I
praise Him that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I don’t need to struggle in those situations
because I have Him. He will enable
me. I can do nothing apart from Him
(John 15:5), which is something I prove out every day. He revealed to my heart today that He has
indeed made everything beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). God, through this award nomination, just
wanted others to see Him, to see the beauty He gives when we serve our
families, churches, communities with the love He instills in us through His
Son. It was truly an honor and privilege
to be nominated. I was (and still am) humbled
by the whole experience. More than
anything in my life, I want to please God; I want to know Him more, and want
Him to be proud of me. I really felt Him
smiling on me, rallying for me, even as I couldn’t hold a conversation about
the weather and stuttered that I didn’t want more coffee. I thanked God for the opportunity. There are many more women qualified who
should have been nominated instead of me.
Through prayer God caused me to realize that the young woman who
nominated me sees something in me that’s different, that’s nice; something she
aspires for or to be in her own life. I
am honored to be her friend. To me, a
former pit dweller who needed a bigger than life itself Savior, that is nothing
short of miraculous. God has done an
amazing work in my life. I’m so very
grateful. Yesterday, I felt like a
failure. Today, God said “No, you are
not. You are my own sweet daughter.” I’m walking along side another woman, setting
a godly example, and didn’t even realize it.
Father God, forgive me for not even seeing that. Some scales fell off my eyes (Acts
9:18). God has given me an incredible responsibility. I will be the first to tell you, I’m horribly
unqualified and have no idea why, God would use me for anything so important, save
for I’m a live redeemed. Jesus paid my
ransom and set me free. I am free indeed
(John 8:36)!!! God loves me!!! Jesus loves me!!! He gave His Spirit to live in me!!! All of this shocks me and leaves me
awestruck. He found value in me. He found me worth dying for. While part of me still wants to blend in, it’s
really quite amazing to be set apart and noticed by the Creator of heaven,
earth, all peoples, places, animals, things.
At the end of this day and all the others yet to come, I get to say, I
belong to God, which is way better than just blending in. I am my Beloved’s and my Beloved is mine
(Song of Solomon 6:3). This, my loves,
is God’s amazing grace. Thank you all
for being my family. J
