WALLFLOWER

I always wanted to be a wallflower, just to blend in.  Can’t say that really has ever happened.  I stand out, but sure wish I didn’t.  I even tried moving to a city with millions of people, but people still noticed me.  It’s not because I’m exceptionally beautiful.  I’m odd and awkward, especially in social situations.  I prefer to be by myself, with my face in a book or working with numbers.  I really don’t understand people that well, even those with similar backgrounds.  After finding out the hard way, I’m woefully not a big city girl, I moved back to my small town.  It’s a community where I don’t fit in, look wise, anyway.  I’m not tall, blond, or have blue eyes, my nationality is not Dutch.  Years after I moved back to my small town, I started attending a large church, thinking I certainly could blend in there.  While going through an extremely difficult time, God called me out of the large church and had some friends invite me to a start-up campus of that same church.  I knew the first time I attended that was where I was meant to me.  However, I would be not able to fade away.  I would be needed and called out of my wannabe wallflower shell.  A funny thing happened earlier this year; I was nominated for the Lakeshore Area Athena Award, not a small feat.  Shocked and dismayed, I humbly filled out the form and accepted my nomination.  15 other women were nominated for the award.  At the gathering of nominees and nominators, I realized how completely inadequate I was to even be nominated.  The award ceremony was today.  No, I didn’t win, nor did I expect to.  I have to say, I was relieved I didn’t.  I never know what to say in social situations, I stammer and struggle and want to chew my fingernails (and possibly my fingers) completely off or I talk a million words a minute and make no sense.  Woe to everyone who attended the ceremony had I won.  My impromptu speech would have been epic.  Anyone who has seen me nervous knows how painful it can be just to watch me fight to survive the moment.  Congratulations to Patricia VerDuin, by the way, for winning the Athena Award.  She deserved it.  Any of the others did.  We all ranged in age, height, weight, ethnicity, professional background.  What we do have in common is the desire to encourage other women to reach their potential.  Last night, I was faced with what some might consider a failure in mentoring a young woman (my first attempt at mentoring).  Let’s just say, it did not go well.  She came to the Bible study I coordinate.  I have not seen her in maybe a year.  What I thought was disastrous then had reached a new low.  She and I spent some time talking and praying.  My only hope is that maybe she will (finally) see that all I want for her is God’s best.  So, as I’m sitting at the award ceremony this afternoon, contemplating my being nominated in the first place, God had me realize that He has set me apart.  He has made me different.  I praise Him that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).  I don’t need to struggle in those situations because I have Him.  He will enable me.  I can do nothing apart from Him (John 15:5), which is something I prove out every day.  He revealed to my heart today that He has indeed made everything beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).  God, through this award nomination, just wanted others to see Him, to see the beauty He gives when we serve our families, churches, communities with the love He instills in us through His Son.  It was truly an honor and privilege to be nominated.  I was (and still am) humbled by the whole experience.  More than anything in my life, I want to please God; I want to know Him more, and want Him to be proud of me.  I really felt Him smiling on me, rallying for me, even as I couldn’t hold a conversation about the weather and stuttered that I didn’t want more coffee.  I thanked God for the opportunity.  There are many more women qualified who should have been nominated instead of me.  Through prayer God caused me to realize that the young woman who nominated me sees something in me that’s different, that’s nice; something she aspires for or to be in her own life.  I am honored to be her friend.  To me, a former pit dweller who needed a bigger than life itself Savior, that is nothing short of miraculous.  God has done an amazing work in my life.  I’m so very grateful.  Yesterday, I felt like a failure.  Today, God said “No, you are not.  You are my own sweet daughter.”  I’m walking along side another woman, setting a godly example, and didn’t even realize it.  Father God, forgive me for not even seeing that.  Some scales fell off my eyes (Acts 9:18).  God has given me an incredible responsibility.  I will be the first to tell you, I’m horribly unqualified and have no idea why, God would use me for anything so important, save for I’m a live redeemed.  Jesus paid my ransom and set me free.  I am free indeed (John 8:36)!!!  God loves me!!!  Jesus loves me!!!  He gave His Spirit to live in me!!!  All of this shocks me and leaves me awestruck.  He found value in me.  He found me worth dying for.  While part of me still wants to blend in, it’s really quite amazing to be set apart and noticed by the Creator of heaven, earth, all peoples, places, animals, things.  At the end of this day and all the others yet to come, I get to say, I belong to God, which is way better than just blending in.  I am my Beloved’s and my Beloved is mine (Song of Solomon 6:3).  This, my loves, is God’s amazing grace.  Thank you all for being my family.  J