“Although you have been forsaken and hated, with no one traveling through, I will make you the everlasting pride and the joy of all generations. You will drink the milk of nations and be nursed at royal breasts. Then you will know that I, the Lord, am your Savior, your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob. Instead of bronze I will bring you gold, and silver in place of iron. Instead of wood I will bring you bronze, and iron in place of stones. I will make peace your governor and righteousness your ruler. No longer will violence be heard in your land, nor ruin or destruction within your borders, but you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise. The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.” Isaiah 60:15-20
Love came storming in at times when I didn’t expect it and certainly didn’t deserve it. I think about it, about lessons learned, what it means to love, to really receive love. I wasn’t open to even the thought, once upon a time. God transformed my heart. Oh to be full of love. What does that mean? What does that look like? An outpouring of love, love so strong it pulls others to it. True love means giving it away knowing it’s not coming back. It’s hard. It hurts. It breaks. It sometimes flows out leaving me empty. But by going back to the Source of true love, I’m healed and binded up. Through the Source of strength, I’m ready to do it all again. God’s love and peace really are like a river flowing from heaven but only going through us so the thirst of another can be quenched. It’s amazing. It’s stunning. God’s love leaves me speechless and humbled. That He pours out on me and through me has me convinced God is a little crazy, which is fine with me. I don’t want to serve a God whose not. He sure makes life interesting.
The first time love stormed through my life came at 20 years old, just shy of my 21st birthday. Love came in the form of a baby girl. A baby I knew I couldn’t keep. Before this, yes, I was loved, but I didn’t recognize it. Just after my 20th birthday I was raped. It was definitely an earth shattering, soul stealing experience. While I wasn’t living a very good life, not living for God, I sure didn’t expect love to come from such a horrific experience. I tried not to bond with the baby while pregnant, knowing the child wasn’t meant to be mine. I didn’t expect to want to keep her, even though I did. I didn’t want to love her knowing I wouldn’t get to hold her, comfort her in the small hours of the night. I didn’t think I could be the mother she deserved. What if she looked like him? Could I bear it? What if I had the nightmare? Would I still be able to get up to feed her? Would I want to? Would I be able to care enough for her? What if I had a bad day? Would I take it out on her? I couldn’t take the risk. Looking back, I see how God had control the whole time. He protected my mind during the rape. He brought me to the right adoption agency and the right family. He gave me great friends who loved and supported me. He even made sure I had a funny dog (my roommate’s Doberman/lab mix) to watch out for me. Boris was my companion during the long days. He kept me company, slept with me, walked slowly when I took him out, and even put his paws on my belly. I didn’t want to believe in God at that time, didn’t want to acknowledge His hand in my train wreck of a life, yet He took care of me. I lied to myself for years, thinking, even saying a few times, that she was the most unselfish thing I had ever done. I admitted for the first time a few months ago that really it was selfish. I couldn’t face taking care of her. I didn’t think I could love her enough. I certainly didn’t love or believe in myself enough to think it was possible to raise her. Truth is, holding her after she was born, knowing she wasn’t coming home with me, broke my heart in a way I never imagined. I know I made the right decision even if it was for the wrong reasons. I know she was never mine to hold on to. This love was for the purpose of giving away. Her purpose, at the time of her birth anyway, was to complete a family. She was hope for a woman who had no other way. She closed a hold in someone else’s heart even though there was an enormous one in mine. Why God would use me as a vessel to carry love astounds me. I stand hand and hand with St. Paul in that I am the worst of sinner (1st Timothy 1:15). All I am is a broken woman with tons of holes that needed to be filled. I looked for love everywhere except for the Source of all love, the only Source there is.
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