Happy Birthday To Me

Counting down to my 40th birthday.  I'm excited.  With the exception of the last year, the past decade has not been a good one.  I'm spending the next few days reflecting on all that God has done and all the ways He has changed my life in the past year.  "'At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home.  I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes,' says the Lord."  Zephaniah 3:20  Truly He gathered me.  He has brought me home.  He is restoring my fortunes.  He is redeeming the years I lost.  All praise and glory to my God and King for that and so much much.  Good bye 30's.  You won't be missed.  Hello 40's.  Can't wait for what's next.  :)

Mentoring - Step 1

Wednesday, June 22, 2011:  I went through the application process, which included a background check and references.  And I was able to meet the fine young lady I will be mentoring.  She seemed a little put off that I have not been a mentor before, but to me it’s just one more thing that will help make me reliant on God.  I won’t be able to do this without His help for sure.  This is so far outside my personality.  I wouldn’t call myself shy.  I just don’t trust people, generally speaking.  I’m a skeptic, been burned before.  Plus, new people and situations freak me out and overall make me nervous.  I always wanted to be a wall flower, not someone who was noticed, not someone memorable. 

Today, I had a meeting with the volunteer coordinator at the organization.  She was great, very friendly and outgoing.  She explained the history, volunteer and donation opportunities, took me on a tour, introduced me to some staff, and explained a little what is expected.  I will have another meeting with a director and case worker sometime soon.  They will explain all that is expected of both me and what I hope will be a new life-long friend.

Oddly, I am super excited.  It’s just a total God thing.  I can’t explain it any other way.  I know He has been preparing me for this for a long time.  I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why people are interested in my life, or why some people want to bare their souls to me without knowing me.  I also don’t know why God would have me document what’s going on in my life.  All I know is here we are.   Again, it’s all in God’s perfect timing, all for His perfect purpose.  And it’s all for “such a time as this”. (Esther 4:14)

Thank You!!!

Thank you for the outpouring of support.  I have great friends & family.  I know I am loved, and that means everything to me.  While this phase of my journey isn't going to be an easy one, attempting to live transparently and writing about it for the world the read is more scary than being a mentor.  I appreciate the encouragement much more than I can say.  I love you all very much!!  :)

Beautifully Bound - A Little Poem

I was down.  I was broken.  I was in bits and pieces on the floor.  I was not able to stand.  You came when I called.  You stayed true to your word.  You pieced me back together and bound my wounds.  Why would you choose to fix me, one that has no worth?  Not true, so you have said, it is part of my word.  You spoke my life ages ago.  You spoke my name and never let me go.  You bound up my wounds.  Grateful doesn’t begin.  To give you my life doesn’t seem enough.  All this because of your great love.  While I can see trickles of blood through the bandages, while I know that scars will remain, these are nothing compared to your scars that bear my name.  How do I describe, where do I begin, to tell of this life that was broken by sin.  Beautifully bound by the one who loves me more than I can imagine.  Beautifully bound to the one who gave me life.  Beautifully bound to my Savior through grace.

Mentoring - Really?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011:  So this is where it begins.  At the library.  Seems appropriate, to me anyway.  It starts simply enough, looking for a book on how to be a mentor.  The self-help section left me shaking my head.  However, the Christian section has me dumbfounded.  Book after book of pretty preachers trying to tell me how to live, what kind of thoughts to have, how to let go and let God, how to stop sinning, etc.  Blah, blah, blah and all with smiles on their faces.  Trust me I’ve read some of those.  But here I stand, a life redeemed, and honestly I don’t know why.  I also don’t know why God would want me to use me, let alone be a mentor.  No idea at all.  All I can say is it’s not my idea.  I really don’t like people that much (I work with numbers for a reason).  Between work, a teenager who plays sports, a fine gentleman I enjoy spending time with, Bible study, church, housework, family, I don’t want to give up what little free time I have.  I’m selfish and have nothing to add to someone else’s life.  Plus, it’s scary.  I’m so under-qualified. 

Really, it began a day earlier.  I get to church early on Monday evenings; to make coffee, ready some hot water, put out hot chocolate & tea.  Monday night is Bible Study night for us girls.  Pastor B oddly was at church.  He said he “forgot” something.  We chatted for a bit.  He asked if might be willing to mentor a woman.  He gave me a few small details and asked me to pray about it.  I did, but I already knew the answer.  I came up with a list of Cons:  I have zero time, I don’t like people all that much, what possibly could I bring to someone’s life, I can’t commit to 5 months, it’s scary,  all negative, all along the same lines.  Here is my Pro:  God has been preparing me for this for quite some time.  Today, Pastor B emailed me about it.  I consented, but got to thinking about the hows of it all.  After looking for books, all I can come up with is only God knows how.

So I’m back to why?  It’s so God to put me outside myself.  I did say I am looking for ways to become even needier, more dependent on Him.  Well this is one way to do it.  All I really want out of life is time with my family, a man who loves me, a few laughs, and a little peace.  Maybe peace comes in the chaos.  Jesus did say for the weary to come to Him, and He would give peace.   I know this is right.  It might not be my timing, but it’s perfect timing all the same.  At the end of the day, when everyone else has dropped their stones and walked away from their judgment of me, why am I still holding onto a stone?  Why am I still ready to judge myself?  Maybe this is God’s way of moving me on, to accept that I have forgiven myself and finally let go.  Maybe this is God’s way of revealing Himself to someone He loves and values just as much as me, and that person needs to see and feel Him too.  Maybe she needs to know that side of God too.  Maybe together, we can teach each other what true friendship is. 

I can’t find the book I’m looking for on topic.  That’s just as much a God thing to me.  I can’t find what I’m looking for because God hasn’t written it yet.  So, here we are.  Here the story unfolds.  I will not reveal the name of sweet sister I will be mentoring, nor will I give any details of her life, our conversations, etc.  What you will get is parts of me, my life, and God’s training of me for such a time as this.  Welcome to my crazy world.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011:  Today, Pastor B passed on my contact info to the organization who is overseeing the mentor program.  I figured there would be a background check and some paperwork.  Yep, there was.  Filled out, passed along, waiting to hear back.  Oh yeah, it’s not 5 months; it will be closer to one year.  Are you sure, Lord?  Yet, despite the scariness of it, I feel perfectly at peace.  This is one way I know this is a God thing.  My life seems to be a constant whirlwind of activity.  Only when I am sitting at Christ’s feet do I feel any peace.  Tonight I will sleep in His arms.  Tomorrow is another day.