Love Storms - Part Two

“Although you have been forsaken and hated, with no one traveling through, I will make you the everlasting pride and the joy of all generations.  You will drink the milk of nations and be nursed at royal breasts.  Then you will know that I, the Lord, am your Savior, your Redeemer,  the Mighty One of Jacob.  Instead of bronze I will bring you gold, and silver in place of iron.  Instead of wood I will bring you bronze, and iron in place of stones.  I will make peace your governor and righteousness your ruler.  No longer will violence be heard in your land, nor ruin or destruction within your borders, but you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise.  The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.  Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.”                      Isaiah 60:15-20

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.  They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.  Aliens will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.  And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God.  You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast.  Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.”   Isaiah 61:1-7

Love stormed my way a second time in the form of a baby boy two years later.  This time I was too selfish to even consider giving this love away.  I couldn’t do it again.  I somehow felt like he was my only shot.  All I wanted when I was a little girl was to be married and have a lot of kids.  Six, if memory serves.  I had a lot of problems carrying this baby.  After premature labor at 30 some weeks, a week in the hospital, and a month of bed rest, he was born three weeks early.  The fact that I was able to carry for that long was a miracle.  He should have been born at least six weeks earlier.  Still he was born with the cord wrapped around his neck.  It took a few seconds, which seemed like minutes, for him to start breathing.  He was purple and I wasn’t allowed to hold him.  Literally one of the nurses said to me, “here’s your baby”, showed him to me and all but ran out of the delivery room.  I had to wait to touch my son.  I remember my doctor coming into my room and going over all the things that could be wrong with him because of the early delivery and the lack of oxygen at birth.  He gave me a “list” of what to look for as far as mental problems were concerned.  At this point I still was not living for God, yet He performed miracle after miracle for this baby boy without me praying for it.  At 17 years old, my son is perfectly normal.  He never had any learning disabilities or developmental problems.  He doesn’t like homework and is not nerdy like me.  He’ll graduate high school this year, a child who should have been mentally impaired in some way.  God held my baby boy and healed him before any doctor could tell me the list of potential problems.  I know I have not been a great mom.  I know my son deserved a better life than I have been able to give or provide, but he loves me anyway.  I have failed him in so many ways, but he forgives me.  God used this baby to waken in me my need for a Savior.  This child made me realize I needed God in my life.  After many sleepless nights, I asked Jesus to be a part of my life and the life of my baby.  It was still going to be hard being a single mom, but I knew we would be okay.

Love Wins

A friend of mine posted on Facebook that he saw a bumper sticker that said “Love Wins”.  He said he did not know what that meant but he beat that car through the intersection.  Good post.  His post set off a bit of a firestorm about Rob Bell & his book by the same name.  I think the bumper sticker has been around longer than Bell’s book.  I have read this book.  I liked it.  I didn't quite understand what the issue was.  Bell merely explained Scripture that references hell.  I found “Love Wins” helpful.  I have read Bell’s other books as well.  What struck me as odd is that the topic of heaven & hell Bell also discussed in “Velvet Elvis”, which was a critically acclaimed book.  So how was it acceptable to agree with Bell in one book, but blast him in another that expanded on the first.  Please note that I have not heard Bell preach or been in his former church.  I have only read his books & seen a few of his NOOMA films.  My opinion is based solely on those.  However, my opinion on Bell’s books is not my point.  Who am I to judge Rob Bell in the first place?  Who am I to judge anyone really?  Jesus, himself, said, “If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”  John 8:7b  Jesus also told us “Do not judge, and you will not be judged.  Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.  Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”  Luke 6:37  What does all this mean?  No matter what I think of Rob Bell or anyone else, I must drop my stones.  I don’t have a clue who will go to heaven.  We should all thank God that I don’t get to decide.  Yes, it is very difficult to forgive & not judge.  One of my best friends sent me another Facebook post regarding what a politician said about rape & pregnancy.  Let me just say that it’s especially hard to drop all my stones not only for the politician, but all the people who posted comments on that post. (see Love Storms Part 1)  My coworkers will also tell you I have my moments where I’m judgmental.  God have mercy on me.  I confess I love judging others, but it’s not my place.  For that, I repent.  I want God’s mercy & compassion, but I must also extend it to get it back.  So I sit at my laptop, attempting to empty my pockets of all the stones, gravel, pieces of sand & grit which I will use to hurl at someone.  I pray that God will forgive me.  He wants me to show His love to others, to be His light in this dark & broken world.  In my humble opinion, Rob Bell is right.  Love does win.  God’s love is unfailing, unending, & eternal.  I have no idea how big God’s grace & mercy are.  Someday I’ll get to find out.  I pray you will get to find out as well.  I have a feeling that once we get to heaven, we won’t care who’s there.  We just might rejoice when we see a face or two.  To my friend who was trying to be funny….it worked.  I laughed.

Love Storms - Part One

“Although you have been forsaken and hated, with no one traveling through, I will make you the everlasting pride and the joy of all generations.  You will drink the milk of nations and be nursed at royal breasts.  Then you will know that I, the Lord, am your Savior, your Redeemer,  the Mighty One of Jacob.  Instead of bronze I will bring you gold, and silver in place of iron.  Instead of wood I will bring you bronze, and iron in place of stones.  I will make peace your governor and righteousness your ruler.  No longer will violence be heard in your land, nor ruin or destruction within your borders, but you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise.  The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.  Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.”                      Isaiah 60:15-20

Love came storming in at times when I didn’t expect it and certainly didn’t deserve it.  I think about it, about lessons learned, what it means to love, to really receive love.  I wasn’t open to even the thought, once upon a time.  God transformed my heart.  Oh to be full of love.  What does that mean?  What does that look like?  An outpouring of love, love so strong it pulls others to it.  True love means giving it away knowing it’s not coming back.  It’s hard.  It hurts.  It breaks.  It sometimes flows out leaving me empty.  But by going back to the Source of true love, I’m healed and binded up.  Through the Source of strength, I’m ready to do it all again.  God’s love and peace really are like a river flowing from heaven but only going through us so the thirst of another can be quenched.  It’s amazing.  It’s stunning.  God’s love leaves me speechless and humbled.  That He pours out on me and through me has me convinced God is a little crazy, which is fine with me.  I don’t want to serve a God whose not.  He sure makes life interesting.  

The first time love stormed through my life came at 20 years old, just shy of my 21^st birthday.  Love came in the form of a baby girl.  A baby I knew I couldn’t keep.  Before this, yes, I was loved, but I didn’t recognize it.  Just after my 20^th birthday I was raped.  It was definitely an earth shattering, soul stealing experience.  While I wasn’t living a very good life, not living for God, I sure didn’t expect love to come from such a horrific experience.  I tried not to bond with the baby while pregnant, knowing the child wasn’t meant to be mine.  I didn’t expect to want to keep her, even though I did.  I didn’t want to love her knowing I wouldn’t get to hold her, comfort her in the small hours of the night.  I didn’t think I could be the mother she deserved.  What if she looked like him?  Could I bear it?  What if I had the nightmare?  Would I still be able to get up to feed her?  Would I want to?  Would I be able to care enough for her?  What if I had a bad day?  Would I take it out on her?  I couldn’t take the risk.  Looking back, I see how God had control the whole time.  He protected my mind during the rape.  He brought me to the right adoption agency and the right family.  He gave me great friends who loved and supported me.  He even made sure I had a funny dog (my roommate’s Doberman/lab mix) to watch out for me.  Boris was my companion during the long days.  He kept me company, slept with me, walked slowly when I took him out, and even put his paws on my belly.  I didn’t want to believe in God at that time, didn’t want to acknowledge His hand in my train wreck of a life, yet He took care of me.  I lied to myself for years, thinking, even saying a few times, that she was the most unselfish thing I had ever done.  I admitted for the first time a few months ago that really it was selfish.  I couldn’t face taking care of her.  I didn’t think I could love her enough.  I certainly didn’t love or believe in myself enough to think it was possible to raise her.  Truth is, holding her after she was born, knowing she wasn’t coming home with me, broke my heart in a way I never imagined.  I know I made the right decision even if it was for the wrong reasons.  I know she was never mine to hold on to.  This love was for the purpose of giving away.  Her purpose, at the time of her birth anyway, was to complete a family.  She was hope for a woman who had no other way.  She closed a hold in someone else’s heart even though there was an enormous one in mine.  Why God would use me as a vessel to carry love astounds me.  I stand hand and hand with St. Paul in that I am the worst of sinner (1^st Timothy 1:15).  All I am is a broken woman with tons of holes that needed to be filled.  I looked for love everywhere except for the Source of all love, the only Source there is.